Battle Of The Sexes
Trouble in Paradise? Mars and Venus relationships.
This is for fun and represents a collection of thoughts from men and
about each other, along with some important rules and timeless wisdom.
So, laugh, get pissed off, smile, relate and maybe learn a thing or
To women everywhere from men who have had enough:
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer truthfully.
Get used to it. If the toilet seat is up, put it down. Peeing
standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like Brad Pitt or Antonio Banderas.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, put on weight and start wearing sweats.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not on our priority list.
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark all anniversaries
on the calender in large print.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as, the new secretary, the stock market, football/rugby/basketball, cars and computer
Regarding sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be. It will not change or ever go away.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just bloody
Crying is blackmail. We hate it when you cry. We feel guilty,
helpless and to blame. It threatens our masculinity and macho'ness.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think
we are any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy and gossiping is what your girlfriends are for.
Change your car oil every three months or learn to ride the bus.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz. Forget the horoscope too.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after a couple of days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle, lust and flirt. We're going to anyway; it's genetic.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
All men see in only 6 colours (mostly shades of blue). Peach is a fruit,
not a color.
Beer is as exciting for us as shoes are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing
is wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the emotional confrontation,
which we hate!
We also hate to say sorry or admit we are wrong. Same thing actually.
We can give direction easily. We just don't take it as well.
Listening is not our best quality.
ONE mother is enough.
Quit bitching about our ex lovers. Fact 1: We have history together.
Fact 2: We are now making history with YOU, dah!
We know you 'lost' your key/earring/panties at our crib, on purpose.
For the record: a ) We like the scent of vanilla or grapefruit.
b) Your hands and feet are important to us, they must look good.
c) We hate flat shoes.
d) Choose your clothes wisely when trying to attract us - you want us to short term PLAY with you, or long term PLAN with you?
If we are in our 'cave', let us be, or prepare for us to hibernate indefinetly.
To men everywhere from women who have had enough:
If you want a maid, hire one!
Raising the kids, cleaning the house, balancing the cheque
book, doing the grocery shopping, washing the clothes, cooking the meals,
IS a full time job. YOU try it for one week and see if you would like to
Which future do you prefer? Your mates, the TV set, dirty dishes, unironed
shirts, an empty fridge, your right hand and a six pack... or me? No I do
not iron shirts and I refuse to clean up after you.
Actions speak louder than promises.
If you want to stay out late, leave a message or stay out permanently.
Monogamy is not a type of wood.
Burping and farting maybe ok with your mates, but it is totally unacceptable
to us and a huge turn off. Likewise cigar smoke, and telling the same jokes over and over.
Please remember to spray the bathroom after use or put up a warning
Communication is NOT a series of grunts and head nods. Communication
is talk, touch and eye contact.
The most loved men are the ones that REALLY listen. We also love men that make us laugh.
We reserve the right to change our minds frequently and often. Get used
If you become overweight, lie around watching TV and drinking beer,
forget our special dates, stop flirting and seducing us... then you can forget
the Victoria's Secret lingerie.
Sex does not heal unspoken wounds, resentments and problems.
When we go out YOU should look good on MY arm!
Does the word FOREPLAY mean anything to you?
We would really enjoy 2 orgasms per lovemaking session and
your undivided attention. Many of us enjoy "quickies" too!
Wearing the colour pink is not gay. Wearing the same clothes and 32
different shades of blue and grey, day after day after day, is boring...
Wearing your socks to bed is sooooo unsexy.
"After 5" shadows may look sexy to you but hurt like hell and chafe
our skin badly.
Rug burns are cool. Love bites are NOT!
It is NOT the end of the world because your team lost, or you have a
cold, or your car got scratched.
Is it possible for you to talk to a woman without picturing her naked?
Is it possible for you to quit touching your penis every so often to
check if it's still there? We assure you 100%, it is!
Out of curiosity, at what age did you decide to name your penis for
Why do older men think driving a fast expensive sports car, will land
a hot nubile chick? It screams to us the message "I'm single, desperate
Regarding older men actually dating young babes ... It makes the babe
look like a goldigger (more than likely), and the bloke superficial, insecure and positively geriatric.
We know your ego is fragile. We know you hate to lose. We know when
There are just as many sexually attractive men out there as there are
No I am not Pamela Anderson and last time I checked, you were not Tom
Get over yourself and get real!
OK BIATCH, GAME ON...
Man To Man:
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
The younger the better; easier to manipulate, control and impress.
Nothing improves with age.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself, or someone who has more
baggage and problems than you.
Confidence is sexy. Intelligence is dangerous.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
A chick who isn't jealous and insecure about our ex's, is abnormal.
"She left me. Can you believe it? SHE.. LEFT... ME!!!
Hey! Check out that hot babe across the room."
A threesome? Of course it's our #1 fantasy. What could possibly be better besides beer and steak?
My girlfriend will do anything for me if I a) buy her flowers
once in awhile, b) tell her "I love you honey" once a month, and c)
remember to take the
trash out every now and then.
A Condom. What's that? Oh, that! I forgot to buy any. No worries. It
feels better without one and I've never had any sexual diseases in my life!
Women are so hard to please: They expect us to listen to them, remember
special dates, go shopping with them, compliment them frequently, and give
presents often ... forget it! Going to the pub instead with my mates, who
never bitch if we forget their birthday and who couldn't care less how
we dress, is far easier on the wallet and the ears.
We like women who complement our personalities and who have what we
lack; someone who we would like to be if we were a female. However, a petite blonde
with large tits is great too.
DUDE, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND US...
Woman To Woman.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got, and 50% what people think you've
You don't need to be born beautiful anymore. You just need
money and a great plastic surgeon.
The richer the man, the more attractive and desirable he is.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man, are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening
Shoes reveal everything you need to know. Well almost everything.
Men actually like being treated as sex objects.
Men think with their penis first. So... if your man offends you,
cut him off!
Men can only do one thing at a time. Never expect more.
Many men won't think about marriage until they feel secure
professionally and emotionally. Timing is everything.
The younger the man, the better the sex, the firmer the body,
the more the hair.
The older the man, the better the car, the greater the bank account,
to hell with the hair!
Men are easy to please: Give them sex, let them watch sports, feed them
Women have ALL the power. Allow men to THINK they do.
Men respond better to fear of loss than being chased.
Leave a man before he leaves you, and you will have him forever.
ALL men are little boys who never quite grow up.
If they can't dance, they are usually horrible lovers.
How a man treats his mother is EXACTLY how he will treat you, sooner
If a man is not talking to his past lovers, or he bad mouths them... he
was either hurt, or is nursing his ego, or he is hiding his past and has
unresolved, personal issues to deal with. DO NOT SERIOUSLY PURSUE HIM.
Find out his TRUE relationship history unless you desire the same outcome.
There are THREE sides to every story. His, yours and the truth.
A man who non-judgementally and openly talks about his past loves and
stays in contact with them, is secure, confident and a true winner.
What men really want:
When it comes to relationships, a man wants two things: sex
and companionship. Regarding sex, it is not looks that drives a man wild,
it's attitude and tons of self confidence, in the way she walks, talks,
dresses and looks. He wants a woman that has class and intelligence and
someone that lets him know, that she wants him as much as he wants her.
A man looks for a woman who will captivate his imagination and be playful with
his emotions sexually, tease him, force him to chase her and yet will also
allow him to capture her ... a little bit at a time.
On the other hand, he also, more than anything, wants a soulmate and
a friend. Someone who is loving, caring affectionate and tender. Someone
he can talk to and have fun with. He wants someone that will love him unconditionally.
Someone who is there for him when he needs her, making him feel and want
to be there for her too.
He is looking for a best friend to share his life with. Someone who
will laugh at his not always funny jokes and listen to his stories, over
and over again. Someone that will take an interest in the things he likes
and join in on occasion. Someone that will not try to change him but will
inspire him to improve, grow and reach for his dreams.
He wants someone that will TRUST, RESPECT, ACCEPT and ADMIRE
him, despite all his faults, bad habits and inevitable failing physical
youth. His ideal partner will focus on his good qualities and strengths
and criticize from a place of love.
Hmmmm ... Isn't that what a woman wants too? Along with honesty, communication, financial support and family commitment.
Rules for surviving the game of love...
Do not fall in love everytime you fall in bed. Learn to detach
Sex does NOT equal commitment.
Do not revolve your entire life around him/her. Addiction is bad for
Do not cling, act needy or demand. Doormats are for your feet, not
It's OK to say NO!
Stop talking so much. NEVER reveal everything.
Do not grill them or their friends for information.
Master the art of LISTENING.
Treat him/her as you would your best friend.
Friendship creates long term love and should develop before sex.
FORGET about fixing your partner. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
Your choice of partner is a reflection of who you are and who you are
Enjoy the moment first. Live in the present.
Don't worry about the ex's or start naming your future children.
NEVER read their journal, or go through their paperwork, or break the passwords on their computer. If you have
no trust, you have no relationship.
Allow space and freedom between you.
DO NOT always be available.
Calling frequently is a turn off and signals insecurity, neediness
Open your eyes to lies and cheating - OR close them, justify the bad
behaviour, and live with the consequences.
Little or no eye contact? Start walking. They won't even notice your
Anyone preoccupied with their physical appearance and dress, usually
have very little or nothing to offer from within. Look beyond the physical!
Never compromise your values.
If you OVER give, you will lose your lover and his respect.
DO NOT LOSE YOUR IDENTITY.
State your personal rules in the very beginning... or expect them to be
December/May relationships are great. However, seasons change and the
May lover will sooner or later, hear the call of Spring.
Sleeping with a married man? Don't count on him divorcing anytime soon.
If they ask to be just friends, be just that and look elsewhere for
a love partner.
Don't ever give up your friends for him/her.
If someone REALLY wants to be with you, they will. If they keep giving
reasons for not calling or say they ar extremely busy, GET THE HINT, and
leave them alone.
Marriage before thirty is an inevitable celebration for divorce.
If your partner one day leaves you, be sure you have friends, money,
a career and a life of your own which you never gave up. If you do not,
who do you have to blame but yourself!
Paula's Romantic Love.
Mars is the God of War and Venus the Goddess of Love and Beauty.
Where would Mars be without her? There would be no-one to love or be
a hero for.
Young love: I love you because I need you.
Mature love: I need you because I love you.
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened :)
It is truly better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It is only with the heart that one can see properly. What is essential,
is invisible to the eye.
Love is ... running into his arms, colliding with his heart, and exploding
into his soul.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall
NEVER take for granted you are irreplacible. Money, youth and sex are
tempting and plentiful.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the woman he
Brit Chick and Latino Hunk.
Love is a matter of chemistry and karma. Sex is a matter of physics.
The slower the touch, the longer the kiss, the better the lover.
Nothing and no-one can take away or replace the sweet memories of lovers
Your partner will treat you exactly the way you teach them too.
Are you the type of person you would want and choose to be with?
You can never lose what you never had. You will always lose what you
hold too tight.
Love is letting go.
Men learn what love is and fall in love, through having sex. Women fall
in love through emotional connection.
You cannot change another, but you can change yourself.
Men: Master your ego and you will master your life.
Women: Master your emotions and you will master your life.
Whatever you fear the deepest, will often come to pass.
Anything that offends you is usually due to ego, insecurity and fear.
Scorpio and Aries Passion.
"No matter how much you say you love me,
I love you more ... Plus one!"
A cheater before marriage will continue after marriage. Leopards
cannot change their spots, only their strategies.
When trust leaves, love and respect follow quickly behind.
Fame and wealth are not lasting reasons to love someone.
Money can buy love, until it runs out or someone better comes along.
"It is better to be loved for who you are, than to be loved for who
you are not". - Andre Gide
All relationship upsets are personal rules being broken.
Whatever you're arguing about is NOT the real issue.
True love is unconditional. Usually only one partner has it.
Q: "If this is love, why do I feel so bad?"
A: "It's not love, darling. It's mental and emotional abuse!"
No man/woman is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never
make you cry.
All is fair in love and war. NOT!!!
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